How to Be Fully Seen and Heard: Thank Your Voice in the Head
The first line Dan Harris’ book, 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in the Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found a Self-Help That Actually Works, is, “The voice in the head is an asshole.” In this line, Dan is addressing the voice that all of us hear from time to time. It is the voice that tells us to not speak an unpopular opinion. It is the voice that tells us that we won’t be taken seriously. It is the voice that whispers, “Who do you think you are?”. It is the voice that claims, “You are not enough”.
Readers of Brene Brown’s work know that this voice comes from shame - a belief that you are not enough. Brene’s TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability has been watched almost 43 million times. Her research indicates that shame is the main emotion that prevents us from having the courage to be fully seen and heard; to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. By giving into the voice in the head, we don’t take risks that could help us increase our influence and transform our organizations.
What should do we do with the voice in the head? We should thank it. We developed the voice in the head as a way of protecting ourselves. It tells to hold back so that we don’t get hurt, criticized or embarrassed. It tells us to stay safe. Unfortunately, it is also telling us we are not strong enough to handle the hurt, criticism and embarrassment. Again to borrow from Brene Brown (who borrowed the term from Theodore Roosevelt), having the courage to be fully seen and heard is like entering the arena. By entering the arena, you may be “marred by sweat and dust and blood.”. It is the fear that we can’t handle this experience is what keeps us from entering the arena. The voice in the head wants to prevent us from entering the arena door.
So why would we thank the voice in the head? I differ a little bit from Dan Harris on this. The voice in the head can certainly sound like an asshole or a bully. It is telling us we are not good enough; stay in your place and not be noticed. In a misguided way, the voice in the head is trying to protect us. Instead of fighting with the voice (which has a tendency to make it stronger next time), what if we thanked it and showed it and us, some compassion? What would happen if the next time you heard the voice in the head, you thanked it for trying to protect you and told it that you didn’t need it anymore? What if we started believing that we are strong enough? The antidote for fear is action; the more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the more we learn we can handle it.
Some questions for reflection:
How do you know when you hear the voice in the head? What does it sound like? How do you feel?
Under what kinds of circumstances do you hear the voice most often?
What strategies could you use to address the voice with compassion and understanding?
How can you change your behavior after hearing the voice?
Think about examples in which you entered the arena and were “marred by sweat and dust and blood.” What helped you recover? What did you learn from the experience?