How To Be More Confident: Authenticity and One Small Brave Thing
We all know the common saying, “Fake it until you make it.” Often this saying is given as well meaning advice to others when facing something scary or nerve-racking. We told to hide how we are feeling and act “as if”. In certain specific settings, this may be an effective approach. However, I argue that this is not an effective long-term strategy. We are our most powerful when we act as our authentic selves and express our authentic emotions and thoughts.
How does this apply to confidence? Let’s turn to one of the best books written in the last few years on the subject. In The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance - What Women Should Know, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman review and summarize the best research on the nature of confidence and how women can have more. They also interview world renowned and respected women leaders. They come to the conclusion that confidence comes down to two things - authenticity and action:
The appeal of faking it, if only for a while, is that is offers a crutch - a way to begin. Here’s a better way to reframe the premise for a quick confidence jump-start: Don’t pretend to be anything or anyone - simply take action. Do one small brave thing, and then the next one will be easier, and soon confidence will flow. We know - fake it till you make it sounds catcher - but this actually works. (pg. 165).
So what is the alternative to faking it? If we are going to lead with our authentic selves, what does that look like? Part of the answer is allowing others to know our genuine thoughts and feelings. If we are constantly hiding what we are thinking and feeling, we are always on guard to being “found out”. This is not leading from a place of strength. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enables us to lead from strength. Brene Brown has written extensively about expressing vulnerability, specificially how it relates to leadership in her book Daring To Lead. For the purposes of our discussion here, I will highlight an important distinction about vulnerability and confidence from Kay and Shipman:
Expressing some vulnerability can be a strength, especially when it connects you to others. Dwelling on insecurities, and basking in self-doubt is not. Reviewing your decisions with an eye to improvement is a strength, as is admiting mistakes. Ruminating for days over decisions already made or those to come has nothing to do with the confidence we envision. (pg. 196).
Admitting to a colleague that you are nervous before giving a presentation is a sign of confidence; second-guessing your performance for days afterward is not.
Embrace your unique purpose, power and presence, share them with others and take small, brave actions. What can you do today?
Questions for Reflection
How do you define confidence for yourself? How well do you accept Kay and Shipman’s definition?
When was the last time you felt really confident? What were you doing? What were you feeling? What were you thinking?
What is one small brave thing you can do today?